3 things

So I have this annoying friend who assigned me homework. She assigned me the task of blogging about 3 good things that have happened to me in the past year. I asked if maybe my blogs were a little too depressing lately. Her response was that the negatives were overshadowing the positives. Challenge accepted. Let's see if I can get more than three. Cause I'm an over achiever lol. The following are not in the order of importance. Except the first one.

1. Alyssa had her heart fixed. As in really fixed. No more aneurysm. A brand spanking new pulmonary valve. And she was fantastic. Fabulous. Awesome. Amazing. She was discharged 72 hours after surgery. Unheard of. This is by far the best thing that has happened in the past year. Everything else pales in comparison. But I will continue anyway haha!

2. I am a warrior!!! Some people are naturally athletic. Some are really into physical fitness. I am not one of those people. I never played a sport. I never liked to work out. But I completed warrior dash this past spring. And it rocked!!! So much so I'm doing it again this year. Totally a good thing that happened this year.

3. I have lost 26 pounds in the past year. I've been going to exercise explorers academy where Shawn kicks my ass twice a week. It's awful. I love it. I look better than I have in years. I feel better too.

4. I lost someone. I found them again. Take that to mean what u will. Probably could have been number two, but as previously stated, these are not in order of importance.

5. I have reconnected with really great people. Some I was friends with forever, some I just knew in high school, some are wives of my husbands friends. They have become a sounding board, a drinking buddy, a confidant. I wouldn't have made it through this year without any of them.

6. Though I never doubted that my super annoying 'do this assignment' friend would be there for me, it's been amazing for me to see the depth of her devotion. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Then I remember I do. Haha!! Luv u!

7. I have seen the rock my husband is for me. His unfailing support through all of this 'mother shit' has been wonderful. He has my back and supports me through all of it. He allows me a little leeway in the 'taking this shit out on him' because he knows I am not truly myself. Definitely a good thing that is happening this year.

8. Our extended families are awesome and so supportive. Nothing about this past year would have been doable if not for them. Especially my in laws. I don't know how people live with having bad in laws. My family could not function without all of their help, love, and support.

I'm sure there are more but this is getting long.

So there. Wonderful things are happening all the time. I should share them more often. I should revisit them myself more often. Point taken. Now it's everyone else's turn. Comment about the best thing that's happened to you all year. Babies don't count!!!!! That's a given. Go deeper.

I love you all

Fucking nuns!!!!

I think God is punishing me. Why? I dunno. Maybe for not speaking to the mother. Or for going out for a drink with Amber when my kids have been sick all week. Or for yelling at my children. In any event, he's totally punishing me. Or using me as a tool to tell one very stubborn nun that she shouldn't be behind the wheel.

For those of you who follow me you already know Alyssa has pneumonia. You may be unaware though that Chloe has an ear/sinus infection and that both of Drews ears are also infected. So basically neither Chris nor I have slept much and have been yanking our hair out between the concern for our kids and the frustration of caring for three sick children. Last night I invited Amber out for a beer. I decided since she always comes to my town that I would go to hers. Off to the Thirsty Frog I went. I can see the Frog bridge in the distance. Suddenly there are break lights in front of me! I swerve to the right, slam on the breaks and WHAM!!!! Right into their rear right bumper. Fabulous. We pull off to the side of the road. I get out of my car and run to theirs and what do I see???....

A fucking nun!!! I rear ended a fucking nun! Well we all know what this means. I'm going to hell. Hitler style with a pineapple up the ass for all of eternity. This. Is. Fantastic. I knock on the window to make sure the sister is ok and theres another one!!! My ticket to hell is quickly upgrading to first class. So I rear ended a ford wind star with not one, but two nuns in it. Oh my god. Pun totally intended.

As I was writing this the mother called to talk to the girls. Fml. Go away. Can't even deal with this today. Cause I know her well enough to think she gonna think that obviously I'm not on a good path cause I crashed my car. Bad things happen to you when your not on the right path. Fuck it. She can have her opinion.

Anyway. The cops come. We were both at fault. Guy in front of nuns stopped short. They topped short. I stopped short. No citation given to anyone. Minimal damage to their car. If I can figure it out I will upload a pic to share of my car.

She totally ruined my Zen for this blog. Let me correct. I'm allowing her to ruin it. Fuck it. My neck and left shoulder hurt. I have a head ache. I'm in a really shitty mood. I thought this would help. It was. Until the mother called. Now I wanna curl up in my bed and go to sleep. She used to be my best friend. And she couldn't even be bothered to ask me how I am. Not that she knows about the stupid nun who has been rear ended three friggin times. It's the goddamned point.

That's it. That was the punch line anyway. I'm gods tool to let the stupid nun know she should stay off the road. Three rear endings? She's the problem. But my insurance will go up. Lovely.

A little advice from a friend

So I've been real emotional lately. The shit with my mom. I'm on high estrogen birth control for these gd cysts. I'm dealing with the left over issues of the past year. Yes I am cryptic on purpose. I have PTSD from Alyssa's surgery and watching them remove her cheat tubes. And now she has pneumonia. So a friend told me to blog more. Im a good listener. Sometimes. Lmao.

I took a look at my schedule for the next few months. Holy shit. Both daughters have birthdays. Chris has his. My soon to be sister in law has her bridal shower and her bachelorette party. Then the wedding is in April. Add to that our 8th anniversary and holy shit!!! We are gonna be B R O K E!!! And I'm gonna be stupid busy. First order of business? Chloe-o's fourth birthday. Carrie, this is my official request for a cake. She's a princess who loves animals and dinosaurs. Have at it!!!!

I'm almost down to my goal weight. Actually that's not true. I surpassed my goal weight. I'm a size six. And those are loose. But now my boobs suck. Three breast fed kids later they are a bit deflated. Not terrible mind you. Just sucky. So now to decide what, if anything, to do about it. I'm going to live with them for a bit. I'll let you know what I decide.

Why the hell does Alyssa have to get so god damned sick? Is it too much to ask that she get a cold and it stay a friggin cold? To be fair, she has totally owned this winter. She's been wicked healthy. But pneumonia? Fucking pneumonia? Give her a break damnit!!! And she's still sick. Three days into a high dose z pack and she still has fevers and an awful cough. Seriously. It's back to the doctor. Poor baby.

Alright. I feel a little better. Thanks for the advice Amanda. You rock. As per the usual. Lmao.

The mother

So I mentioned in a previous post about how my mother told me I was a bad daughter. In all actuality she told me that I don't call her enough or come visit her ever. I had told her I would come visit once a month. But our schedules didn't match up and I pretty much forgot a few weeks into it. Not on purpose. But because my life is INSANE! And instead of reminding me or maybe taking it upon herself to schedule some time she called me up, told me I suck and then didn't let me respond. Classic Jill behavior. Little did she know that I'm through being treated like a fucking dishrag. No one gets to decide that they can tell me I suck, not let me respond to the accusation, and then blow my kids off. The kids part is where I draw the line.

You see, that very weekend was the Yale Christmas party. She was supposed to take my 3 kids over night so Chris and I could have a night away. Well I suck so badly she had to retract her offer. On the Monday before the party. Luckily my mother in law picked up Jills slack and watched them for us. She also watches one or two of our kids twice a week which is why she want the go to parent to begin with.

Anyhow, the reason Jill even gets the blog today is because she told Alyssa during Christmas break she could sleep over her house a couple nights. Needless to say she totally bailed on that promise. Alyssa's five. She didn't exactly forget. She asked about nana a lot but never asked about sleeping over there. My mother saw her last weekend to exchange Christmas gifts and told her again that her next vacation she could sleep there. She's lucky I didn't hear it. I would have called her out on it immediately.

Jill texted me Friday night asking if she could have the girls overnight sometime soon. I responded that for the time being I'm going to have to say no. That I'm not ok with her blowing Alyssa off. That my kids aren't to be used to punish me nor are they just to be seen when it's convenient for her. So far I've had no response from her. I couldn't care less.

What is bothering me? I know my kids want to see her. That's the only reason she got to see them at all for gift exchange. I'm conflicted. Am I punishing her for blowing my kid off? Maybe. But I really think I'm protecting her from further nana disappointment. Where does it end? I don't know. If they ask for her maybe I'll take the time to text her they want to see her. I guess her reaction will set the tone for how we will proceed from here. I don't know. But the part that hurts the most isn't about her and I. I've learned in the past six months that I've been waiting for her to do this to me. That she always turns into bad mommy. She has my whole life. It's just in a different way this time.

I'm really bothered by how this effects my kids. They love her. They want to spend time with her. I don't know what to do here....

Farewell to 2011

I think that 2011 was quite possibly that hardest year of my life to date. There are many parts to this I can't share with my (6 lol) followers, but let it be known that it just plain sucked.
My hope for 2012 is simple. Just be better than this last year. I'm not asking to win the lotto, or keep my kids out of the pediatric office. Those things would be awesome don't get me wrong. But I really want a less dramatic, more normal 2012. I want to smile more and cry less. Spend more time with my kids without worrying about the future. Go out on more dates with my husband and for drinks more with my friends.
I've recently been informed by my mother that I'm not a very good daughter. And while something like that might prompt some people to resolve to actually be a better daughter, I know that I'm a pretty good one already who has been going through some pretty rough shit. So in this instance I'm resolving to not take it personal. Know that the problem is with her unreasonably high expectations and not with my actions or inactions.
I used to be very good at not taking things personally. Especially in my personal life. I need to revisit this trait and remember how I did that. This past year has rocked my entire foundation. It has shown me that perhaps it was always a bit unsteady and maybe needed some more cement. That mortar can only be found inside of me. But it has been especially nice to know it can be shaken but will not crumble. I will not crumble. I have had proven what I had always believed... That when push came to shove I picked the right person to be in the trenches with. Together we cannot fail.
Today I'm still not sure what the future holds. But I'm a hell of a lot more optimistic. So I'm asking 2012 to pay up for 2011. In fact, I'm daring it to...

Angry

I'm feeling angry today. I'm feeling disappointed and unimportant. And this makes me angry. Why? Because I'm dead tired putting 80% into any relationship to only get 20 back. I've had enough.
I decided to bring my kids to the park today. I took the time to  think about who I wanted to invite along with me that also had kids (and also lives relatively close). And there were a few that immediately sprang to mind. I picked up my phone to start texting and then I stopped. Because some of those  people I have attempted to get together with on more than one occasion. And I'm met with a "Oh I can't today I'm already doing (insert other plans here) but I'll shoot you a text early next week so we can plan another day next weekend". And guess what? I'm still friggin waiting. So I text a friend with whom the two of us have equally been trying to get together and we went. And we had fun. So did our kids.
I want to preface this next segment with this statement: this is not an expectation of my coworkers, my fb friends, or the people I don't reach out to myself. But where the hell were the poeple who are supposed to be my friends when my daughter was having surgery? If you have my cell number or email, but failed to send me a text or a note, then shame on you. You are on the goddamned list. And I'm finished with you.
I now work full time, have a husband and 3 kids under the age of 6, and a small group of friends to whom me and my family truly matter. If you want to become a part of that group and know you aren't but should be then step up your friggin game. I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. I make time for the people who matter. The rest of you can suck it. I'm tired of this. From all aspects of my life. I'm tired of caring for people who cannot or will not care for me when I need it. I am almost 30 years old. It's time to clean house. Don't be surprised when its you. Cause if your wondering, then it probably is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently and type up a blog retraction. But I probably won't.
Adios

My Lulu

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa. It was my 23rd birthday. Chris and I had been trying for 4 months and I was stating to get discouraged. I mean, women, young girls, get pregnant everyday. I had surgery on my left ovary 2 yrs before, so I was worried if it even worked. (Looking back I wanna smack myself upside the head. Cause now one of the things I do the best is get pregnant lol). Anyway I remember the positive test, but not believing it. So I got one of those digital ones thats says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" figuring the words would make it real. And it did. Chris and I were exstatic!
From the begining I had annoying problems during my pregancy. An ovarian cyst that wouldn't stop growing. Too much amniotic fluid. I had to have nonstress tests twice a week. This lead to the discovery of positional vesovego. Alyssa liked to sit on my major vessel and my blood pressure would plummet to something like 70 over 30 (or visa versa I can't remember). But the baby appeared healthy and really, thats all that mattered.
The night before I went into the hospital to have her I got up to pee. My house only has one bathroom and its on the first floor (very poor planning on our part lol) and my husband was snoring a bit. I'm a terrible sleeper anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep with his snoring (which wasn't even terribly loud) so I grabbed my pillow and a blanket to sleep on my very comfy couch. Well I thought I was down all the stairs, but there was one left. I fell and landed on my bottom on the last stair. Chris comes rushing out of the room to help me up, tries to convince me to call the OB. I'm headstrong and didn't feel any pain. My water didn't break so I refused. He was sufficiently pissed but stopped arguing. I peed and went to sleep on the couch. When I awoke the next morning, I showered to go to work and thats when the pain started. I didn't know at the time, but I had a small tear in my placenta. Grand.
When I went into the hospital to be monitored for my pain I was doing fine. I was just about to be taken off the monitors and sent to work when Alyssa's heart rate dropped. It came right back up, but the DR was nervous so they enduced me. 24 hours and a cesaerian later out she came. All dark with black monkey hair. Small but perfect. All the family came. She was the first grandchild on both sides, so you can imagine the commotion. Then change of shift came. I'll never forget when the nurse, Jessie was her name, listened to her heart and asked us if anyone said anything about a heart murmur. We said no. She said well, I'm just going to have the DR take a listen. I don't remember how long it was, but the diagnosis sucked. Tetralogy of Fallot. My little baby had 3 heart defects. A hole between the ventricles, a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and her aorta went across her heart instead of up and around. She had to be monitored 24 hrs in the one to one nursery. There was talk of air lifting her to Yale. But in the end, I got to take her home when I went home. She needed open heart surgery. She got it when she was 3 months old.
Why am I rehashing all of this? Well when she was 2 we found out that part of her surgery failed and she had a 3 centimeter aneurysm in her pulmonary artery. She needed another open heart. The plan was to wait til she was 8. Now her right ventricle has become enlarged to twice the normal size. We can't wait any longer. She's having another open heart surgery tomorrow. She had her first day of kindergarten today. She wanted to wear her skirt today. But its raining and chilly and if she gets sick we have to cancel it. So I had her wear pants. And she didn't even complain. All the other girls in her class were wearing jumpers or skirts. And  she didn't even say a word about it. I feel so guilty. Let's face it, its easier for me right now to focus on the guilt. So I'm gonna.
8:30 tomorrow morning we are going to hand over our first born child to the anesthesiologist. We are going to watch as they walk away with her. Again. But this time she is a person, not an infant. Theres a difference, you know? Shes a daddy's girl with a silly sense of humor and a fresh mouth. She loves her little sister and adores her baby brother. She has a compassion for people that I've never seen in a 5 year old. I'm terrified. For a long time whenever anyone would tell me they were sorry we had to go through this I would always say that it's Alyssa who has to go through this. That it was her cross to bear and that I felt sorry SHE had to go through this. But they were right. I'm damn sorry Chris and I have to go through this too.
So I'm asking for as many prayers to as many god's, lights, energies, or whatever it is you believe in. If you don't believe in anything, think good thoughts for us. We don't discriminate. We will be at Yale until Saturday or Sunday. There will be plenty of texts,  facebook updates and emails if your in our contacts.
Thats all I got.