My Lulu

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa. It was my 23rd birthday. Chris and I had been trying for 4 months and I was stating to get discouraged. I mean, women, young girls, get pregnant everyday. I had surgery on my left ovary 2 yrs before, so I was worried if it even worked. (Looking back I wanna smack myself upside the head. Cause now one of the things I do the best is get pregnant lol). Anyway I remember the positive test, but not believing it. So I got one of those digital ones thats says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" figuring the words would make it real. And it did. Chris and I were exstatic!
From the begining I had annoying problems during my pregancy. An ovarian cyst that wouldn't stop growing. Too much amniotic fluid. I had to have nonstress tests twice a week. This lead to the discovery of positional vesovego. Alyssa liked to sit on my major vessel and my blood pressure would plummet to something like 70 over 30 (or visa versa I can't remember). But the baby appeared healthy and really, thats all that mattered.
The night before I went into the hospital to have her I got up to pee. My house only has one bathroom and its on the first floor (very poor planning on our part lol) and my husband was snoring a bit. I'm a terrible sleeper anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep with his snoring (which wasn't even terribly loud) so I grabbed my pillow and a blanket to sleep on my very comfy couch. Well I thought I was down all the stairs, but there was one left. I fell and landed on my bottom on the last stair. Chris comes rushing out of the room to help me up, tries to convince me to call the OB. I'm headstrong and didn't feel any pain. My water didn't break so I refused. He was sufficiently pissed but stopped arguing. I peed and went to sleep on the couch. When I awoke the next morning, I showered to go to work and thats when the pain started. I didn't know at the time, but I had a small tear in my placenta. Grand.
When I went into the hospital to be monitored for my pain I was doing fine. I was just about to be taken off the monitors and sent to work when Alyssa's heart rate dropped. It came right back up, but the DR was nervous so they enduced me. 24 hours and a cesaerian later out she came. All dark with black monkey hair. Small but perfect. All the family came. She was the first grandchild on both sides, so you can imagine the commotion. Then change of shift came. I'll never forget when the nurse, Jessie was her name, listened to her heart and asked us if anyone said anything about a heart murmur. We said no. She said well, I'm just going to have the DR take a listen. I don't remember how long it was, but the diagnosis sucked. Tetralogy of Fallot. My little baby had 3 heart defects. A hole between the ventricles, a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and her aorta went across her heart instead of up and around. She had to be monitored 24 hrs in the one to one nursery. There was talk of air lifting her to Yale. But in the end, I got to take her home when I went home. She needed open heart surgery. She got it when she was 3 months old.
Why am I rehashing all of this? Well when she was 2 we found out that part of her surgery failed and she had a 3 centimeter aneurysm in her pulmonary artery. She needed another open heart. The plan was to wait til she was 8. Now her right ventricle has become enlarged to twice the normal size. We can't wait any longer. She's having another open heart surgery tomorrow. She had her first day of kindergarten today. She wanted to wear her skirt today. But its raining and chilly and if she gets sick we have to cancel it. So I had her wear pants. And she didn't even complain. All the other girls in her class were wearing jumpers or skirts. And  she didn't even say a word about it. I feel so guilty. Let's face it, its easier for me right now to focus on the guilt. So I'm gonna.
8:30 tomorrow morning we are going to hand over our first born child to the anesthesiologist. We are going to watch as they walk away with her. Again. But this time she is a person, not an infant. Theres a difference, you know? Shes a daddy's girl with a silly sense of humor and a fresh mouth. She loves her little sister and adores her baby brother. She has a compassion for people that I've never seen in a 5 year old. I'm terrified. For a long time whenever anyone would tell me they were sorry we had to go through this I would always say that it's Alyssa who has to go through this. That it was her cross to bear and that I felt sorry SHE had to go through this. But they were right. I'm damn sorry Chris and I have to go through this too.
So I'm asking for as many prayers to as many god's, lights, energies, or whatever it is you believe in. If you don't believe in anything, think good thoughts for us. We don't discriminate. We will be at Yale until Saturday or Sunday. There will be plenty of texts,  facebook updates and emails if your in our contacts.
Thats all I got.