Chris' grandfather died Monday. He was 92. I have such fond memories of him.
Next Monday we close on our new house. It big and bright and not nearly as old as our current one.
My nephew is celebrating his first birthday this weekend.
My good friend is getting married and it is like three weeks of celebrations for her. I'm so excited I could pee.
My best friend is FINALLY graduating from college. And moving in with a man I finally think is perfect for her.
Next Wednesday we will bury gramps in military style and bury him next to his one true love. We will mourn but we will celebrate his life more. His family is how he lives on. In his children. And their children. And ours.
I have great things going on in my life right now. Even the sad things are sprinkled with greatness.
Today I wanted to share my life with my mom. The good and the bad. And I can't. I know people say I can, but she has to take the first step to make this right. And so I can't. And that, to me, is the saddest part of all. She alive and she misses all this. Well. I love you gramps. I love you mom. U r both terribly missed.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
For the love of the job
So I've been thinking about this blog for about a week now. I'm not an everyday blogger like Carrie but I do think about it often. If that counts for anything.
Around the time of my high school reunion I was treating a young man for a very rare, very aggressive cancer. He He was in a great deal of pain. We knew we couldn't save his life but we were really trying to alleviate his pain. He came in with his wife. Sometimes his mom came too. I think his young son came one day as well. I was about five months pregnant almost six. I had to wait to find out the sex of my baby until I had a special ultrasound done because of Alyssa's heart defect. Two of my coworkers were also pregnant and were having boys. I was wicked jealous.
Anyway, this patient told me he had a special talent for being able to look at a pregnant woman and tell her the sex of her child. He told me I was having a boy.We talked about our families. He had an older daughter from a previous relationship. He spoke so highly of her. He was so proud to be her daddy. He was the type of patient that we all get attached to and we did. When those of us in the cancer center that took care of him heard he was on the floor and it didn't look good we all planned to go visit him on our lunch. He passed before we could. I've always regretted not getting there to tell him his streak continued. He had correctly guessed the sex of my child.
When all of the dust settled it became known that his daughter is also the daughter of an old classmate of mine who I had recently gotten into contact with. We saw eachother at the reunion and I held her while she cried. I cried too.
I had this realization that people have this opinion of my job. That it's depressing. And sometimes it is. I was very sad when he died. Some of them hit u that way. And I go home, pour myself a drink and toast to their lives. But most of the time I'm happy they are gone. That their pain has ended. That cancer can't eat away at them anymore. Death is the ultimate win. Cancer cells can't grow when ur dead. They can't hurt you anymore. But that's my opinion. I don't expect people who have lost loved ones to cancer to agree. And I have lost people as well. But I digress.
My whole point is that patient gave me something a hell of a lot more powerful than I ever gave him. He helped me and my friend connect on a deeper level. And through her I've made some excellent new friends. Would we have gotten here to his place without him? I don't know. Maybe. But I think it would have taken longer.
I'm so blessed to do the work I do. I get much more back than I give. Even though my patients disagree. They help me keep the world in perspective. Their greatfulness for the care they receive is never ending. I have the best job in the world.
I just thought I'd share this story. Privacy was never broken. I never shared personal info about him. He was open about his treatment. I'm really just stating this to cover my ass. As breaking privacy would get me fired.
Around the time of my high school reunion I was treating a young man for a very rare, very aggressive cancer. He He was in a great deal of pain. We knew we couldn't save his life but we were really trying to alleviate his pain. He came in with his wife. Sometimes his mom came too. I think his young son came one day as well. I was about five months pregnant almost six. I had to wait to find out the sex of my baby until I had a special ultrasound done because of Alyssa's heart defect. Two of my coworkers were also pregnant and were having boys. I was wicked jealous.
Anyway, this patient told me he had a special talent for being able to look at a pregnant woman and tell her the sex of her child. He told me I was having a boy.We talked about our families. He had an older daughter from a previous relationship. He spoke so highly of her. He was so proud to be her daddy. He was the type of patient that we all get attached to and we did. When those of us in the cancer center that took care of him heard he was on the floor and it didn't look good we all planned to go visit him on our lunch. He passed before we could. I've always regretted not getting there to tell him his streak continued. He had correctly guessed the sex of my child.
When all of the dust settled it became known that his daughter is also the daughter of an old classmate of mine who I had recently gotten into contact with. We saw eachother at the reunion and I held her while she cried. I cried too.
I had this realization that people have this opinion of my job. That it's depressing. And sometimes it is. I was very sad when he died. Some of them hit u that way. And I go home, pour myself a drink and toast to their lives. But most of the time I'm happy they are gone. That their pain has ended. That cancer can't eat away at them anymore. Death is the ultimate win. Cancer cells can't grow when ur dead. They can't hurt you anymore. But that's my opinion. I don't expect people who have lost loved ones to cancer to agree. And I have lost people as well. But I digress.
My whole point is that patient gave me something a hell of a lot more powerful than I ever gave him. He helped me and my friend connect on a deeper level. And through her I've made some excellent new friends. Would we have gotten here to his place without him? I don't know. Maybe. But I think it would have taken longer.
I'm so blessed to do the work I do. I get much more back than I give. Even though my patients disagree. They help me keep the world in perspective. Their greatfulness for the care they receive is never ending. I have the best job in the world.
I just thought I'd share this story. Privacy was never broken. I never shared personal info about him. He was open about his treatment. I'm really just stating this to cover my ass. As breaking privacy would get me fired.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
3 things
So I have this annoying friend who assigned me homework. She assigned me the task of blogging about 3 good things that have happened to me in the past year. I asked if maybe my blogs were a little too depressing lately. Her response was that the negatives were overshadowing the positives. Challenge accepted. Let's see if I can get more than three. Cause I'm an over achiever lol. The following are not in the order of importance. Except the first one.
1. Alyssa had her heart fixed. As in really fixed. No more aneurysm. A brand spanking new pulmonary valve. And she was fantastic. Fabulous. Awesome. Amazing. She was discharged 72 hours after surgery. Unheard of. This is by far the best thing that has happened in the past year. Everything else pales in comparison. But I will continue anyway haha!
2. I am a warrior!!! Some people are naturally athletic. Some are really into physical fitness. I am not one of those people. I never played a sport. I never liked to work out. But I completed warrior dash this past spring. And it rocked!!! So much so I'm doing it again this year. Totally a good thing that happened this year.
3. I have lost 26 pounds in the past year. I've been going to exercise explorers academy where Shawn kicks my ass twice a week. It's awful. I love it. I look better than I have in years. I feel better too.
4. I lost someone. I found them again. Take that to mean what u will. Probably could have been number two, but as previously stated, these are not in order of importance.
5. I have reconnected with really great people. Some I was friends with forever, some I just knew in high school, some are wives of my husbands friends. They have become a sounding board, a drinking buddy, a confidant. I wouldn't have made it through this year without any of them.
6. Though I never doubted that my super annoying 'do this assignment' friend would be there for me, it's been amazing for me to see the depth of her devotion. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Then I remember I do. Haha!! Luv u!
7. I have seen the rock my husband is for me. His unfailing support through all of this 'mother shit' has been wonderful. He has my back and supports me through all of it. He allows me a little leeway in the 'taking this shit out on him' because he knows I am not truly myself. Definitely a good thing that is happening this year.
8. Our extended families are awesome and so supportive. Nothing about this past year would have been doable if not for them. Especially my in laws. I don't know how people live with having bad in laws. My family could not function without all of their help, love, and support.
I'm sure there are more but this is getting long.
So there. Wonderful things are happening all the time. I should share them more often. I should revisit them myself more often. Point taken. Now it's everyone else's turn. Comment about the best thing that's happened to you all year. Babies don't count!!!!! That's a given. Go deeper.
I love you all
1. Alyssa had her heart fixed. As in really fixed. No more aneurysm. A brand spanking new pulmonary valve. And she was fantastic. Fabulous. Awesome. Amazing. She was discharged 72 hours after surgery. Unheard of. This is by far the best thing that has happened in the past year. Everything else pales in comparison. But I will continue anyway haha!
2. I am a warrior!!! Some people are naturally athletic. Some are really into physical fitness. I am not one of those people. I never played a sport. I never liked to work out. But I completed warrior dash this past spring. And it rocked!!! So much so I'm doing it again this year. Totally a good thing that happened this year.
3. I have lost 26 pounds in the past year. I've been going to exercise explorers academy where Shawn kicks my ass twice a week. It's awful. I love it. I look better than I have in years. I feel better too.
4. I lost someone. I found them again. Take that to mean what u will. Probably could have been number two, but as previously stated, these are not in order of importance.
5. I have reconnected with really great people. Some I was friends with forever, some I just knew in high school, some are wives of my husbands friends. They have become a sounding board, a drinking buddy, a confidant. I wouldn't have made it through this year without any of them.
6. Though I never doubted that my super annoying 'do this assignment' friend would be there for me, it's been amazing for me to see the depth of her devotion. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Then I remember I do. Haha!! Luv u!
7. I have seen the rock my husband is for me. His unfailing support through all of this 'mother shit' has been wonderful. He has my back and supports me through all of it. He allows me a little leeway in the 'taking this shit out on him' because he knows I am not truly myself. Definitely a good thing that is happening this year.
8. Our extended families are awesome and so supportive. Nothing about this past year would have been doable if not for them. Especially my in laws. I don't know how people live with having bad in laws. My family could not function without all of their help, love, and support.
I'm sure there are more but this is getting long.
So there. Wonderful things are happening all the time. I should share them more often. I should revisit them myself more often. Point taken. Now it's everyone else's turn. Comment about the best thing that's happened to you all year. Babies don't count!!!!! That's a given. Go deeper.
I love you all
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Fucking nuns!!!!
I think God is punishing me. Why? I dunno. Maybe for not speaking to the mother. Or for going out for a drink with Amber when my kids have been sick all week. Or for yelling at my children. In any event, he's totally punishing me. Or using me as a tool to tell one very stubborn nun that she shouldn't be behind the wheel.
For those of you who follow me you already know Alyssa has pneumonia. You may be unaware though that Chloe has an ear/sinus infection and that both of Drews ears are also infected. So basically neither Chris nor I have slept much and have been yanking our hair out between the concern for our kids and the frustration of caring for three sick children. Last night I invited Amber out for a beer. I decided since she always comes to my town that I would go to hers. Off to the Thirsty Frog I went. I can see the Frog bridge in the distance. Suddenly there are break lights in front of me! I swerve to the right, slam on the breaks and WHAM!!!! Right into their rear right bumper. Fabulous. We pull off to the side of the road. I get out of my car and run to theirs and what do I see???....
A fucking nun!!! I rear ended a fucking nun! Well we all know what this means. I'm going to hell. Hitler style with a pineapple up the ass for all of eternity. This. Is. Fantastic. I knock on the window to make sure the sister is ok and theres another one!!! My ticket to hell is quickly upgrading to first class. So I rear ended a ford wind star with not one, but two nuns in it. Oh my god. Pun totally intended.
As I was writing this the mother called to talk to the girls. Fml. Go away. Can't even deal with this today. Cause I know her well enough to think she gonna think that obviously I'm not on a good path cause I crashed my car. Bad things happen to you when your not on the right path. Fuck it. She can have her opinion.
Anyway. The cops come. We were both at fault. Guy in front of nuns stopped short. They topped short. I stopped short. No citation given to anyone. Minimal damage to their car. If I can figure it out I will upload a pic to share of my car.
She totally ruined my Zen for this blog. Let me correct. I'm allowing her to ruin it. Fuck it. My neck and left shoulder hurt. I have a head ache. I'm in a really shitty mood. I thought this would help. It was. Until the mother called. Now I wanna curl up in my bed and go to sleep. She used to be my best friend. And she couldn't even be bothered to ask me how I am. Not that she knows about the stupid nun who has been rear ended three friggin times. It's the goddamned point.
That's it. That was the punch line anyway. I'm gods tool to let the stupid nun know she should stay off the road. Three rear endings? She's the problem. But my insurance will go up. Lovely.
For those of you who follow me you already know Alyssa has pneumonia. You may be unaware though that Chloe has an ear/sinus infection and that both of Drews ears are also infected. So basically neither Chris nor I have slept much and have been yanking our hair out between the concern for our kids and the frustration of caring for three sick children. Last night I invited Amber out for a beer. I decided since she always comes to my town that I would go to hers. Off to the Thirsty Frog I went. I can see the Frog bridge in the distance. Suddenly there are break lights in front of me! I swerve to the right, slam on the breaks and WHAM!!!! Right into their rear right bumper. Fabulous. We pull off to the side of the road. I get out of my car and run to theirs and what do I see???....
A fucking nun!!! I rear ended a fucking nun! Well we all know what this means. I'm going to hell. Hitler style with a pineapple up the ass for all of eternity. This. Is. Fantastic. I knock on the window to make sure the sister is ok and theres another one!!! My ticket to hell is quickly upgrading to first class. So I rear ended a ford wind star with not one, but two nuns in it. Oh my god. Pun totally intended.
As I was writing this the mother called to talk to the girls. Fml. Go away. Can't even deal with this today. Cause I know her well enough to think she gonna think that obviously I'm not on a good path cause I crashed my car. Bad things happen to you when your not on the right path. Fuck it. She can have her opinion.
Anyway. The cops come. We were both at fault. Guy in front of nuns stopped short. They topped short. I stopped short. No citation given to anyone. Minimal damage to their car. If I can figure it out I will upload a pic to share of my car.
She totally ruined my Zen for this blog. Let me correct. I'm allowing her to ruin it. Fuck it. My neck and left shoulder hurt. I have a head ache. I'm in a really shitty mood. I thought this would help. It was. Until the mother called. Now I wanna curl up in my bed and go to sleep. She used to be my best friend. And she couldn't even be bothered to ask me how I am. Not that she knows about the stupid nun who has been rear ended three friggin times. It's the goddamned point.
That's it. That was the punch line anyway. I'm gods tool to let the stupid nun know she should stay off the road. Three rear endings? She's the problem. But my insurance will go up. Lovely.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A little advice from a friend
So I've been real emotional lately. The shit with my mom. I'm on high estrogen birth control for these gd cysts. I'm dealing with the left over issues of the past year. Yes I am cryptic on purpose. I have PTSD from Alyssa's surgery and watching them remove her cheat tubes. And now she has pneumonia. So a friend told me to blog more. Im a good listener. Sometimes. Lmao.
I took a look at my schedule for the next few months. Holy shit. Both daughters have birthdays. Chris has his. My soon to be sister in law has her bridal shower and her bachelorette party. Then the wedding is in April. Add to that our 8th anniversary and holy shit!!! We are gonna be B R O K E!!! And I'm gonna be stupid busy. First order of business? Chloe-o's fourth birthday. Carrie, this is my official request for a cake. She's a princess who loves animals and dinosaurs. Have at it!!!!
I'm almost down to my goal weight. Actually that's not true. I surpassed my goal weight. I'm a size six. And those are loose. But now my boobs suck. Three breast fed kids later they are a bit deflated. Not terrible mind you. Just sucky. So now to decide what, if anything, to do about it. I'm going to live with them for a bit. I'll let you know what I decide.
Why the hell does Alyssa have to get so god damned sick? Is it too much to ask that she get a cold and it stay a friggin cold? To be fair, she has totally owned this winter. She's been wicked healthy. But pneumonia? Fucking pneumonia? Give her a break damnit!!! And she's still sick. Three days into a high dose z pack and she still has fevers and an awful cough. Seriously. It's back to the doctor. Poor baby.
Alright. I feel a little better. Thanks for the advice Amanda. You rock. As per the usual. Lmao.
I took a look at my schedule for the next few months. Holy shit. Both daughters have birthdays. Chris has his. My soon to be sister in law has her bridal shower and her bachelorette party. Then the wedding is in April. Add to that our 8th anniversary and holy shit!!! We are gonna be B R O K E!!! And I'm gonna be stupid busy. First order of business? Chloe-o's fourth birthday. Carrie, this is my official request for a cake. She's a princess who loves animals and dinosaurs. Have at it!!!!
I'm almost down to my goal weight. Actually that's not true. I surpassed my goal weight. I'm a size six. And those are loose. But now my boobs suck. Three breast fed kids later they are a bit deflated. Not terrible mind you. Just sucky. So now to decide what, if anything, to do about it. I'm going to live with them for a bit. I'll let you know what I decide.
Why the hell does Alyssa have to get so god damned sick? Is it too much to ask that she get a cold and it stay a friggin cold? To be fair, she has totally owned this winter. She's been wicked healthy. But pneumonia? Fucking pneumonia? Give her a break damnit!!! And she's still sick. Three days into a high dose z pack and she still has fevers and an awful cough. Seriously. It's back to the doctor. Poor baby.
Alright. I feel a little better. Thanks for the advice Amanda. You rock. As per the usual. Lmao.
Monday, January 16, 2012
The mother
So I mentioned in a previous post about how my mother told me I was a bad daughter. In all actuality she told me that I don't call her enough or come visit her ever. I had told her I would come visit once a month. But our schedules didn't match up and I pretty much forgot a few weeks into it. Not on purpose. But because my life is INSANE! And instead of reminding me or maybe taking it upon herself to schedule some time she called me up, told me I suck and then didn't let me respond. Classic Jill behavior. Little did she know that I'm through being treated like a fucking dishrag. No one gets to decide that they can tell me I suck, not let me respond to the accusation, and then blow my kids off. The kids part is where I draw the line.
You see, that very weekend was the Yale Christmas party. She was supposed to take my 3 kids over night so Chris and I could have a night away. Well I suck so badly she had to retract her offer. On the Monday before the party. Luckily my mother in law picked up Jills slack and watched them for us. She also watches one or two of our kids twice a week which is why she want the go to parent to begin with.
Anyhow, the reason Jill even gets the blog today is because she told Alyssa during Christmas break she could sleep over her house a couple nights. Needless to say she totally bailed on that promise. Alyssa's five. She didn't exactly forget. She asked about nana a lot but never asked about sleeping over there. My mother saw her last weekend to exchange Christmas gifts and told her again that her next vacation she could sleep there. She's lucky I didn't hear it. I would have called her out on it immediately.
Jill texted me Friday night asking if she could have the girls overnight sometime soon. I responded that for the time being I'm going to have to say no. That I'm not ok with her blowing Alyssa off. That my kids aren't to be used to punish me nor are they just to be seen when it's convenient for her. So far I've had no response from her. I couldn't care less.
What is bothering me? I know my kids want to see her. That's the only reason she got to see them at all for gift exchange. I'm conflicted. Am I punishing her for blowing my kid off? Maybe. But I really think I'm protecting her from further nana disappointment. Where does it end? I don't know. If they ask for her maybe I'll take the time to text her they want to see her. I guess her reaction will set the tone for how we will proceed from here. I don't know. But the part that hurts the most isn't about her and I. I've learned in the past six months that I've been waiting for her to do this to me. That she always turns into bad mommy. She has my whole life. It's just in a different way this time.
I'm really bothered by how this effects my kids. They love her. They want to spend time with her. I don't know what to do here....
You see, that very weekend was the Yale Christmas party. She was supposed to take my 3 kids over night so Chris and I could have a night away. Well I suck so badly she had to retract her offer. On the Monday before the party. Luckily my mother in law picked up Jills slack and watched them for us. She also watches one or two of our kids twice a week which is why she want the go to parent to begin with.
Anyhow, the reason Jill even gets the blog today is because she told Alyssa during Christmas break she could sleep over her house a couple nights. Needless to say she totally bailed on that promise. Alyssa's five. She didn't exactly forget. She asked about nana a lot but never asked about sleeping over there. My mother saw her last weekend to exchange Christmas gifts and told her again that her next vacation she could sleep there. She's lucky I didn't hear it. I would have called her out on it immediately.
Jill texted me Friday night asking if she could have the girls overnight sometime soon. I responded that for the time being I'm going to have to say no. That I'm not ok with her blowing Alyssa off. That my kids aren't to be used to punish me nor are they just to be seen when it's convenient for her. So far I've had no response from her. I couldn't care less.
What is bothering me? I know my kids want to see her. That's the only reason she got to see them at all for gift exchange. I'm conflicted. Am I punishing her for blowing my kid off? Maybe. But I really think I'm protecting her from further nana disappointment. Where does it end? I don't know. If they ask for her maybe I'll take the time to text her they want to see her. I guess her reaction will set the tone for how we will proceed from here. I don't know. But the part that hurts the most isn't about her and I. I've learned in the past six months that I've been waiting for her to do this to me. That she always turns into bad mommy. She has my whole life. It's just in a different way this time.
I'm really bothered by how this effects my kids. They love her. They want to spend time with her. I don't know what to do here....
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