I think that 2011 was quite possibly that hardest year of my life to date. There are many parts to this I can't share with my (6 lol) followers, but let it be known that it just plain sucked.
My hope for 2012 is simple. Just be better than this last year. I'm not asking to win the lotto, or keep my kids out of the pediatric office. Those things would be awesome don't get me wrong. But I really want a less dramatic, more normal 2012. I want to smile more and cry less. Spend more time with my kids without worrying about the future. Go out on more dates with my husband and for drinks more with my friends.
I've recently been informed by my mother that I'm not a very good daughter. And while something like that might prompt some people to resolve to actually be a better daughter, I know that I'm a pretty good one already who has been going through some pretty rough shit. So in this instance I'm resolving to not take it personal. Know that the problem is with her unreasonably high expectations and not with my actions or inactions.
I used to be very good at not taking things personally. Especially in my personal life. I need to revisit this trait and remember how I did that. This past year has rocked my entire foundation. It has shown me that perhaps it was always a bit unsteady and maybe needed some more cement. That mortar can only be found inside of me. But it has been especially nice to know it can be shaken but will not crumble. I will not crumble. I have had proven what I had always believed... That when push came to shove I picked the right person to be in the trenches with. Together we cannot fail.
Today I'm still not sure what the future holds. But I'm a hell of a lot more optimistic. So I'm asking 2012 to pay up for 2011. In fact, I'm daring it to...
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Angry
I'm feeling angry today. I'm feeling disappointed and unimportant. And this makes me angry. Why? Because I'm dead tired putting 80% into any relationship to only get 20 back. I've had enough.
I decided to bring my kids to the park today. I took the time to think about who I wanted to invite along with me that also had kids (and also lives relatively close). And there were a few that immediately sprang to mind. I picked up my phone to start texting and then I stopped. Because some of those people I have attempted to get together with on more than one occasion. And I'm met with a "Oh I can't today I'm already doing (insert other plans here) but I'll shoot you a text early next week so we can plan another day next weekend". And guess what? I'm still friggin waiting. So I text a friend with whom the two of us have equally been trying to get together and we went. And we had fun. So did our kids.
I want to preface this next segment with this statement: this is not an expectation of my coworkers, my fb friends, or the people I don't reach out to myself. But where the hell were the poeple who are supposed to be my friends when my daughter was having surgery? If you have my cell number or email, but failed to send me a text or a note, then shame on you. You are on the goddamned list. And I'm finished with you.
I now work full time, have a husband and 3 kids under the age of 6, and a small group of friends to whom me and my family truly matter. If you want to become a part of that group and know you aren't but should be then step up your friggin game. I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. I make time for the people who matter. The rest of you can suck it. I'm tired of this. From all aspects of my life. I'm tired of caring for people who cannot or will not care for me when I need it. I am almost 30 years old. It's time to clean house. Don't be surprised when its you. Cause if your wondering, then it probably is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently and type up a blog retraction. But I probably won't.
Adios
I decided to bring my kids to the park today. I took the time to think about who I wanted to invite along with me that also had kids (and also lives relatively close). And there were a few that immediately sprang to mind. I picked up my phone to start texting and then I stopped. Because some of those people I have attempted to get together with on more than one occasion. And I'm met with a "Oh I can't today I'm already doing (insert other plans here) but I'll shoot you a text early next week so we can plan another day next weekend". And guess what? I'm still friggin waiting. So I text a friend with whom the two of us have equally been trying to get together and we went. And we had fun. So did our kids.
I want to preface this next segment with this statement: this is not an expectation of my coworkers, my fb friends, or the people I don't reach out to myself. But where the hell were the poeple who are supposed to be my friends when my daughter was having surgery? If you have my cell number or email, but failed to send me a text or a note, then shame on you. You are on the goddamned list. And I'm finished with you.
I now work full time, have a husband and 3 kids under the age of 6, and a small group of friends to whom me and my family truly matter. If you want to become a part of that group and know you aren't but should be then step up your friggin game. I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. I make time for the people who matter. The rest of you can suck it. I'm tired of this. From all aspects of my life. I'm tired of caring for people who cannot or will not care for me when I need it. I am almost 30 years old. It's time to clean house. Don't be surprised when its you. Cause if your wondering, then it probably is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently and type up a blog retraction. But I probably won't.
Adios
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Lulu
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa. It was my 23rd birthday. Chris and I had been trying for 4 months and I was stating to get discouraged. I mean, women, young girls, get pregnant everyday. I had surgery on my left ovary 2 yrs before, so I was worried if it even worked. (Looking back I wanna smack myself upside the head. Cause now one of the things I do the best is get pregnant lol). Anyway I remember the positive test, but not believing it. So I got one of those digital ones thats says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" figuring the words would make it real. And it did. Chris and I were exstatic!
From the begining I had annoying problems during my pregancy. An ovarian cyst that wouldn't stop growing. Too much amniotic fluid. I had to have nonstress tests twice a week. This lead to the discovery of positional vesovego. Alyssa liked to sit on my major vessel and my blood pressure would plummet to something like 70 over 30 (or visa versa I can't remember). But the baby appeared healthy and really, thats all that mattered.
The night before I went into the hospital to have her I got up to pee. My house only has one bathroom and its on the first floor (very poor planning on our part lol) and my husband was snoring a bit. I'm a terrible sleeper anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep with his snoring (which wasn't even terribly loud) so I grabbed my pillow and a blanket to sleep on my very comfy couch. Well I thought I was down all the stairs, but there was one left. I fell and landed on my bottom on the last stair. Chris comes rushing out of the room to help me up, tries to convince me to call the OB. I'm headstrong and didn't feel any pain. My water didn't break so I refused. He was sufficiently pissed but stopped arguing. I peed and went to sleep on the couch. When I awoke the next morning, I showered to go to work and thats when the pain started. I didn't know at the time, but I had a small tear in my placenta. Grand.
When I went into the hospital to be monitored for my pain I was doing fine. I was just about to be taken off the monitors and sent to work when Alyssa's heart rate dropped. It came right back up, but the DR was nervous so they enduced me. 24 hours and a cesaerian later out she came. All dark with black monkey hair. Small but perfect. All the family came. She was the first grandchild on both sides, so you can imagine the commotion. Then change of shift came. I'll never forget when the nurse, Jessie was her name, listened to her heart and asked us if anyone said anything about a heart murmur. We said no. She said well, I'm just going to have the DR take a listen. I don't remember how long it was, but the diagnosis sucked. Tetralogy of Fallot. My little baby had 3 heart defects. A hole between the ventricles, a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and her aorta went across her heart instead of up and around. She had to be monitored 24 hrs in the one to one nursery. There was talk of air lifting her to Yale. But in the end, I got to take her home when I went home. She needed open heart surgery. She got it when she was 3 months old.
Why am I rehashing all of this? Well when she was 2 we found out that part of her surgery failed and she had a 3 centimeter aneurysm in her pulmonary artery. She needed another open heart. The plan was to wait til she was 8. Now her right ventricle has become enlarged to twice the normal size. We can't wait any longer. She's having another open heart surgery tomorrow. She had her first day of kindergarten today. She wanted to wear her skirt today. But its raining and chilly and if she gets sick we have to cancel it. So I had her wear pants. And she didn't even complain. All the other girls in her class were wearing jumpers or skirts. And she didn't even say a word about it. I feel so guilty. Let's face it, its easier for me right now to focus on the guilt. So I'm gonna.
8:30 tomorrow morning we are going to hand over our first born child to the anesthesiologist. We are going to watch as they walk away with her. Again. But this time she is a person, not an infant. Theres a difference, you know? Shes a daddy's girl with a silly sense of humor and a fresh mouth. She loves her little sister and adores her baby brother. She has a compassion for people that I've never seen in a 5 year old. I'm terrified. For a long time whenever anyone would tell me they were sorry we had to go through this I would always say that it's Alyssa who has to go through this. That it was her cross to bear and that I felt sorry SHE had to go through this. But they were right. I'm damn sorry Chris and I have to go through this too.
So I'm asking for as many prayers to as many god's, lights, energies, or whatever it is you believe in. If you don't believe in anything, think good thoughts for us. We don't discriminate. We will be at Yale until Saturday or Sunday. There will be plenty of texts, facebook updates and emails if your in our contacts.
Thats all I got.
From the begining I had annoying problems during my pregancy. An ovarian cyst that wouldn't stop growing. Too much amniotic fluid. I had to have nonstress tests twice a week. This lead to the discovery of positional vesovego. Alyssa liked to sit on my major vessel and my blood pressure would plummet to something like 70 over 30 (or visa versa I can't remember). But the baby appeared healthy and really, thats all that mattered.
The night before I went into the hospital to have her I got up to pee. My house only has one bathroom and its on the first floor (very poor planning on our part lol) and my husband was snoring a bit. I'm a terrible sleeper anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep with his snoring (which wasn't even terribly loud) so I grabbed my pillow and a blanket to sleep on my very comfy couch. Well I thought I was down all the stairs, but there was one left. I fell and landed on my bottom on the last stair. Chris comes rushing out of the room to help me up, tries to convince me to call the OB. I'm headstrong and didn't feel any pain. My water didn't break so I refused. He was sufficiently pissed but stopped arguing. I peed and went to sleep on the couch. When I awoke the next morning, I showered to go to work and thats when the pain started. I didn't know at the time, but I had a small tear in my placenta. Grand.
When I went into the hospital to be monitored for my pain I was doing fine. I was just about to be taken off the monitors and sent to work when Alyssa's heart rate dropped. It came right back up, but the DR was nervous so they enduced me. 24 hours and a cesaerian later out she came. All dark with black monkey hair. Small but perfect. All the family came. She was the first grandchild on both sides, so you can imagine the commotion. Then change of shift came. I'll never forget when the nurse, Jessie was her name, listened to her heart and asked us if anyone said anything about a heart murmur. We said no. She said well, I'm just going to have the DR take a listen. I don't remember how long it was, but the diagnosis sucked. Tetralogy of Fallot. My little baby had 3 heart defects. A hole between the ventricles, a narrowing of the pulmonary artery, and her aorta went across her heart instead of up and around. She had to be monitored 24 hrs in the one to one nursery. There was talk of air lifting her to Yale. But in the end, I got to take her home when I went home. She needed open heart surgery. She got it when she was 3 months old.
Why am I rehashing all of this? Well when she was 2 we found out that part of her surgery failed and she had a 3 centimeter aneurysm in her pulmonary artery. She needed another open heart. The plan was to wait til she was 8. Now her right ventricle has become enlarged to twice the normal size. We can't wait any longer. She's having another open heart surgery tomorrow. She had her first day of kindergarten today. She wanted to wear her skirt today. But its raining and chilly and if she gets sick we have to cancel it. So I had her wear pants. And she didn't even complain. All the other girls in her class were wearing jumpers or skirts. And she didn't even say a word about it. I feel so guilty. Let's face it, its easier for me right now to focus on the guilt. So I'm gonna.
8:30 tomorrow morning we are going to hand over our first born child to the anesthesiologist. We are going to watch as they walk away with her. Again. But this time she is a person, not an infant. Theres a difference, you know? Shes a daddy's girl with a silly sense of humor and a fresh mouth. She loves her little sister and adores her baby brother. She has a compassion for people that I've never seen in a 5 year old. I'm terrified. For a long time whenever anyone would tell me they were sorry we had to go through this I would always say that it's Alyssa who has to go through this. That it was her cross to bear and that I felt sorry SHE had to go through this. But they were right. I'm damn sorry Chris and I have to go through this too.
So I'm asking for as many prayers to as many god's, lights, energies, or whatever it is you believe in. If you don't believe in anything, think good thoughts for us. We don't discriminate. We will be at Yale until Saturday or Sunday. There will be plenty of texts, facebook updates and emails if your in our contacts.
Thats all I got.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Turning 29
When I turned 27 I had a huge problem with it. Why? I dunno. Maybe it was the beginning of the end of my 20s. Maybe cause I still wanted another child and I didn't know if it was going to happen. Maybe it was just too close to 30 and I didn't like it. But now as I look ahead to my 29th birthday on Sunday, I'm really good with being 29. I've had some really crappy shit going on lately, and I realize that age is just a number. And I know that I'm a strong woman. I will be ok. Here are just a few of the things that I have learned. In order of importance:
1: Family is the most important thing. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! And I don't mean it in the "call you once a week" or "take for granted you'll be there in the morning" way. Although those are all important too. I mean hold on tight. Hold on real tight to all of them. Cause you too can be taking your child for an MRI on a Thurday afternoon in July. And you will remember every time you yelled when you could have spoken, spanked when a time out would have done the job, and didn't give that hug cause the baby was crying. All normal by the way. And I take my family for granted every day. I'm trying real hard to stop.
2: I cannot control everything. Oh you mean that was obvious? Cause that has been one shitty lesson I have had to learn time and time again. And I'm sure I'll have to relearn it. But as for now, I'm giving it all up to whatever presence is in control of my universe. Cause I'm just fucking exhausted.
3: I have really great friends. And I didn't even know it. I have friends now that I wouldn't have thought in high school I would be friends with (you know who you are), friends I have made in the past year or so, and friends I have loved for what seems like a lifetime. You never know what your friends are capable of until you ask. Ask them. They will deliver. They long to deliver.
4: I love to cook. Making baby food for 3 kids had killed that love. But I'm starting to remember that I love it. I need new recipes. Hit me up.
5: Someone asked me today what I loved to do before I had kids. I couldn't remember. I find this sad. I remembered liking to scrapbook and go to the beach. Thats all I had. This is a sad state of affairs folks. I hope that by the time I turn 30 I can answer that question with the byline that I'm currently involved in that activity. This is important.
6: I'm good at saying I'm sorry. I'm not always good at meaning it. I'm learning to say nothing if I don't mean it. Feelings can still be validated without an apology. So cut it out. Only say your sorry when you mean it. Otherwise the times you do don't really count...
7: The grass in not greener. EVER. It's just different. You don't like your job? You didn't like your last job? Or the one before that? The problem is you. When you can look around a room and honestly feel like everyone else is an asshole, stop, look in the mirror, cause the asshole is you. This applies to all aspects of your life. Man I hate those days. Cause then I have to refer to #6. And when you go to greener pastures, your just gonna want the old problems, cause at least then you knew how to solve them.
8: Take time for yourself. Otherwise you can lose yourself.
9: I always need to be kissed goodnight. If I'm alone, well, I guess I'm screwed. But husband, kid, friend, family, kiss me goodnight. My mommy started it when I was an infant. Now I'm screwed....
10: I have everything I've ever wanted in life. And I'm lucky to notice this, acknowlegde this, and fight like hell to keep it.
Bring on 29. 29 is my bitch.
1: Family is the most important thing. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! And I don't mean it in the "call you once a week" or "take for granted you'll be there in the morning" way. Although those are all important too. I mean hold on tight. Hold on real tight to all of them. Cause you too can be taking your child for an MRI on a Thurday afternoon in July. And you will remember every time you yelled when you could have spoken, spanked when a time out would have done the job, and didn't give that hug cause the baby was crying. All normal by the way. And I take my family for granted every day. I'm trying real hard to stop.
2: I cannot control everything. Oh you mean that was obvious? Cause that has been one shitty lesson I have had to learn time and time again. And I'm sure I'll have to relearn it. But as for now, I'm giving it all up to whatever presence is in control of my universe. Cause I'm just fucking exhausted.
3: I have really great friends. And I didn't even know it. I have friends now that I wouldn't have thought in high school I would be friends with (you know who you are), friends I have made in the past year or so, and friends I have loved for what seems like a lifetime. You never know what your friends are capable of until you ask. Ask them. They will deliver. They long to deliver.
4: I love to cook. Making baby food for 3 kids had killed that love. But I'm starting to remember that I love it. I need new recipes. Hit me up.
5: Someone asked me today what I loved to do before I had kids. I couldn't remember. I find this sad. I remembered liking to scrapbook and go to the beach. Thats all I had. This is a sad state of affairs folks. I hope that by the time I turn 30 I can answer that question with the byline that I'm currently involved in that activity. This is important.
6: I'm good at saying I'm sorry. I'm not always good at meaning it. I'm learning to say nothing if I don't mean it. Feelings can still be validated without an apology. So cut it out. Only say your sorry when you mean it. Otherwise the times you do don't really count...
7: The grass in not greener. EVER. It's just different. You don't like your job? You didn't like your last job? Or the one before that? The problem is you. When you can look around a room and honestly feel like everyone else is an asshole, stop, look in the mirror, cause the asshole is you. This applies to all aspects of your life. Man I hate those days. Cause then I have to refer to #6. And when you go to greener pastures, your just gonna want the old problems, cause at least then you knew how to solve them.
8: Take time for yourself. Otherwise you can lose yourself.
9: I always need to be kissed goodnight. If I'm alone, well, I guess I'm screwed. But husband, kid, friend, family, kiss me goodnight. My mommy started it when I was an infant. Now I'm screwed....
10: I have everything I've ever wanted in life. And I'm lucky to notice this, acknowlegde this, and fight like hell to keep it.
Bring on 29. 29 is my bitch.
Monday, June 27, 2011
My missing ovary
Hahahaha! Yes folks. I have a missing ovary. No it's not floating around my body like some serian starship. And yes it is probably spitting eggs at random organs. How does such a thing happen? Apparently cause I got my tubes tied. Yup. Here's the story....
So I've been having random pelvic pain. Most importantly it happens at the most (ahem) inconvenient times. It can really dampen a moment. Anyhoo, things just haven't been right since I had Drew, so after 4 rescheduled gyn appts (yes 4, 1 for each kid, plus 1 for my phone that randomly pushed ALL my appts back an hour after the time change) I finally see a doctor. We do an ultrasound (yes one of THOSE ultrasounds for which you leave feeling violated) and viola! I have a very nice strand of graduating sized pearls around my right ovary. The left ovary? Don't know. Can't find it. Is my doctor concerned? Nope. Probably hiding behind my colon he says. Good deal. Who needs it anyway? I certainly don't. It was a little over eager anyway if you ask me. I mean seriously. 3 kids in 5 years? It shoulda gotten lost a while ago....
So here I am, not a fan of synthetic hormones, surgically infertile, and I'm back on birth control pills for hormone suppression. I'm sure there is a lesson in all of this. I'm not quite sure what it is. But hopefully it will take care of the cysts and I will no longer have moments of (inopportune) pain. YIPEEE!!!!
And I Dashed yesterday. As in muddy, filthy, awesome, sometimes terrifying, fire leaping Warrior Dashed. And it was awesomly awesome. So awesome I have to keep saying awesome cause its all I got for an adjective right now. The weekend didn't just end awesome, it started that way again. Chris and I got some very much needed time away. So it started great and ended great. That is until cranky Nicci came out. Tired and cranky Nicci is very unpleasant, so we'll just leave it at that.
And maybe I'll upload some pics. We'll see.
So I've been having random pelvic pain. Most importantly it happens at the most (ahem) inconvenient times. It can really dampen a moment. Anyhoo, things just haven't been right since I had Drew, so after 4 rescheduled gyn appts (yes 4, 1 for each kid, plus 1 for my phone that randomly pushed ALL my appts back an hour after the time change) I finally see a doctor. We do an ultrasound (yes one of THOSE ultrasounds for which you leave feeling violated) and viola! I have a very nice strand of graduating sized pearls around my right ovary. The left ovary? Don't know. Can't find it. Is my doctor concerned? Nope. Probably hiding behind my colon he says. Good deal. Who needs it anyway? I certainly don't. It was a little over eager anyway if you ask me. I mean seriously. 3 kids in 5 years? It shoulda gotten lost a while ago....
So here I am, not a fan of synthetic hormones, surgically infertile, and I'm back on birth control pills for hormone suppression. I'm sure there is a lesson in all of this. I'm not quite sure what it is. But hopefully it will take care of the cysts and I will no longer have moments of (inopportune) pain. YIPEEE!!!!
And I Dashed yesterday. As in muddy, filthy, awesome, sometimes terrifying, fire leaping Warrior Dashed. And it was awesomly awesome. So awesome I have to keep saying awesome cause its all I got for an adjective right now. The weekend didn't just end awesome, it started that way again. Chris and I got some very much needed time away. So it started great and ended great. That is until cranky Nicci came out. Tired and cranky Nicci is very unpleasant, so we'll just leave it at that.
And maybe I'll upload some pics. We'll see.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Meet Lily
A few of my good friends from high school will remember that at one time during my Junior or Senior year I was writing a novel. Like 30 chapters in I quit. I remember a certain Emily being quite furious with me.
Seeing as though I don't really have anything that I can share in my blog that pertains to the upheaval that is my current life, I will introduce you all to Lily. She is my first character. This is an unedited first draft of your introduction to her. Your feedback is essential...
Seeing as though I don't really have anything that I can share in my blog that pertains to the upheaval that is my current life, I will introduce you all to Lily. She is my first character. This is an unedited first draft of your introduction to her. Your feedback is essential...
Lily turns the shower on full blast and steam immediately starts to envelope her bathroom. She loving touches the sky blue glass tile she and Mike spent hours laying, grouting, cleaning, swearing, and laughing over. A secret smile plays on her lips as Lily remembers making love to her husband on this half tiled floor with mud on her cheek. Their love was so new then.
She places her glass of Chianti on the vanity counter as she starts to undress. Lily takes stock of her body in the mirror. “Well,” she thinks to herself, “not bad. My breasts could be perkier. Definitely carrying a little extra muffin around my middle and my ass isn’t as plump either. But not too shabby for a mother of 2 in her 30s. A bikini could be in my future. Ha!”
Self assessment complete, she steps into the blistering hot shower. This was heaven on earth for her. Spray so hot you could barely tolerate it and your skin turns so red you look like a steamed lobster. Lily simply stands under the shower head for a bit while she goes through her mental checklist for the following day. Lucas’ lunch? Check. Amanda’s dance bag packed? Check. Dinner for tomorrow in the crockpot? Another check. The final check on her list was her lunch. Lily frowns a little to herself as she tries to decide what she wanted. Coming up short Lily thinks she’ll just eat out. This complete, she grabs her shampoo. She smiles as the scent of coconuts drifts to her nose. Mikes favorite. Lily closes her eyes as she massages the soap into her scalp and down her long light auburn hair. Her mind is blissfully empty as she rinses her hair and opens her eyes. Staring back at her are eyes so blue they are almost transparent. Lily screams, but no one hears her…
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Alyssa's trials and tribulations
A fair number of you know that my firstborn was born with tetrology of fallot. It's a heart condtion that includes three heart defects. This is important because at the age of 3 months and weighing just over 9 pounds, she had open heart surgery to repair them all. As a consequence of this surgery, her pulmonary artery valve was removed. So she needs a valve replacement. We found out when she was 2 that a portion of her repair surgery failed and she now has a 3 centimeter aneurysm in her pulmonary artery. I'm sure we can all agree that was a sad day in the Labrecque household...
So she's been holding steady the past 3 years. The aneurysm hasn't grown, her cardiac output has been good, and she doesn't appear to have any abnormal heart rhythm. The reason for todays blog it to update all those who were wondering on her status. It appears as though her complications may be progressing. At her yearly checkup with her cariologist it looks like the right side of her heart is starting to enlarge from all of the extra work it performs daily pumping the deoxygenated blood to her pulmonary artery that is without a valve and had a 3 cm buldge in it. I mean really, this is no surprise. I am shocked its taken 3 years to tell you the truth. I've been walking around all this time waiting for the shoe to drop.
There was also an incident in school that may have been nothing or may have been something depending on which teacher you speak to. Alyssa was walking down a crowded hallway and stumbled. One teacher though she almost fainted, the other thought she simply lost her balance. What really happened? I couldn't tell ya. I can tell you shes tired all the time. I mean we go outside to play and she has to take rests. I hate it. It makes me so angry. Not at her. At God. At the universe. At myself for not creating a physically perfect human. So she wore a holter monitor for 24 hours to check her rhythm. For any of you with kids, you know this was a challenge. Needless to say the leads kept falling off, the school nurse put them back on incorrectly, and by 9:30 thursday morning they were all off and monitoring was done 2 hours early.
We are now waiting to schedule a repeat MRI (her last one was 3 years ago. So was her last cardiac cath, which is another rant for another day). This will let us know for sure (hopefully) if her heart is enlarging and if her surgery needs to be pushed up. Cause yeah, she needs another open heart. And we knew this. But damn does it hit me square in the stomach when they say it. Every time. I think I'm prepared. I go into her appointments with a bad attitude. That I'm going to get bed news. Because the last time I had a positive attitude they told me my 2 year old had an aneurysm. Try not crying in front of that very same 2 year old and her 3 month old sister in the carrier next to her. Not an easy task. So now every June I'm a force to be reconned with. I'm easily angered. I'm quick to cry. Basically I'm a nut case until her appointment. Then I settle down for a year.
Here's the other part. The part you aren't supposed to talk about as a parent. The one that even as I type this I know I'll be judged on. But heres the thing. I've always been honest and I won't stop now. When the doctor tells us he wants the MRI sometime this summer I think "crap". I;ve got big things happening in my career this summer and early fall. Promotions in my job are few and far between so being in charge of a new machine is huge. And I've put in hours of work. Hours on prep with our new computer system we put into place for this new machine. I go to Las Vegas for a week long training seminar the second week of August. And now I wonder what's gonna happen. Chris tells me to try to not think about that. That we"ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I can't help but feel angry about this too... And then I feel guilty. I mean, I'm the mom. This is the most important job in the world. On the flip side I get so much satisfaction out of my career. So I'm conflicted.
So basically I'm sad, angry, conflicted. And Alyssa doesn't have a care in the world. She doesn't really know whats going on. Obviously that will all change soon, but I don't want her to worry. She's sensitive and it would worry her.
That's the update. And now I'm gonna hang out with the infamous Amanda Cormier...
So she's been holding steady the past 3 years. The aneurysm hasn't grown, her cardiac output has been good, and she doesn't appear to have any abnormal heart rhythm. The reason for todays blog it to update all those who were wondering on her status. It appears as though her complications may be progressing. At her yearly checkup with her cariologist it looks like the right side of her heart is starting to enlarge from all of the extra work it performs daily pumping the deoxygenated blood to her pulmonary artery that is without a valve and had a 3 cm buldge in it. I mean really, this is no surprise. I am shocked its taken 3 years to tell you the truth. I've been walking around all this time waiting for the shoe to drop.
There was also an incident in school that may have been nothing or may have been something depending on which teacher you speak to. Alyssa was walking down a crowded hallway and stumbled. One teacher though she almost fainted, the other thought she simply lost her balance. What really happened? I couldn't tell ya. I can tell you shes tired all the time. I mean we go outside to play and she has to take rests. I hate it. It makes me so angry. Not at her. At God. At the universe. At myself for not creating a physically perfect human. So she wore a holter monitor for 24 hours to check her rhythm. For any of you with kids, you know this was a challenge. Needless to say the leads kept falling off, the school nurse put them back on incorrectly, and by 9:30 thursday morning they were all off and monitoring was done 2 hours early.
We are now waiting to schedule a repeat MRI (her last one was 3 years ago. So was her last cardiac cath, which is another rant for another day). This will let us know for sure (hopefully) if her heart is enlarging and if her surgery needs to be pushed up. Cause yeah, she needs another open heart. And we knew this. But damn does it hit me square in the stomach when they say it. Every time. I think I'm prepared. I go into her appointments with a bad attitude. That I'm going to get bed news. Because the last time I had a positive attitude they told me my 2 year old had an aneurysm. Try not crying in front of that very same 2 year old and her 3 month old sister in the carrier next to her. Not an easy task. So now every June I'm a force to be reconned with. I'm easily angered. I'm quick to cry. Basically I'm a nut case until her appointment. Then I settle down for a year.
Here's the other part. The part you aren't supposed to talk about as a parent. The one that even as I type this I know I'll be judged on. But heres the thing. I've always been honest and I won't stop now. When the doctor tells us he wants the MRI sometime this summer I think "crap". I;ve got big things happening in my career this summer and early fall. Promotions in my job are few and far between so being in charge of a new machine is huge. And I've put in hours of work. Hours on prep with our new computer system we put into place for this new machine. I go to Las Vegas for a week long training seminar the second week of August. And now I wonder what's gonna happen. Chris tells me to try to not think about that. That we"ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I can't help but feel angry about this too... And then I feel guilty. I mean, I'm the mom. This is the most important job in the world. On the flip side I get so much satisfaction out of my career. So I'm conflicted.
So basically I'm sad, angry, conflicted. And Alyssa doesn't have a care in the world. She doesn't really know whats going on. Obviously that will all change soon, but I don't want her to worry. She's sensitive and it would worry her.
That's the update. And now I'm gonna hang out with the infamous Amanda Cormier...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Seems like forever
Man it's been a while. All sorts of sick kids, a sick husband and finally getting sick myself and you get like a month long blog hiatus. Hope you'll all forgive me (the 5 of you who follow me lol).
As I sit here and try and think of the funny lil anictodes that I wanna share with you all, I'm not quite sure where to start. Apparently Chloe sees dead people, Alyssa has suddenly become this super awesome attitude child, Drew is so enormous he looks like he could eat his new baby cousin Johnny, Chris got a promotion at work (I'm so very proud of him) and I fart at work. Have I got your attention? No? Want to know the totally gross thing one of my patients "confessed" to eating? Well too bad on that last one...
Not quite sure what happened, but somewhere in the last 2 months Alyssa has become this really great kid. Well, she's always been great, but now shes being nice too. A little history: she has a congenital heart condition that makes her very tired in the evenings. Tired Lulu equals nasty Lulu. I think she finally comprehends that her nastiness makes us all testy at night. Either that or we are finally learning to deal better. But after 5 years, I'mgoing to go with her maturing just a bit and not wanting to always spread her mysery around. Do I sound like a hateful and uncaring parent? Well a child with a health issue is still a child in need of structure and love and discipline... I will provide all of the above.
On a lighter note our middle youngster told her daddy that she saw people in an empty graveyard. While they were driving by she says "Look daddy. People." He looks.No people. Just a graveyard. Nice. My response? Well at least we know our house isn't haunted....
Drews blurb really needs little explanation, but I have a brand spanking new nephew. And a teeny one at that. All of 6lbs, 3oz. Adorable. I just wanna hold him all day...
One bathroom and 2 people with the stomach flu is just no fun. As I'm holding Chloes' hair next to the toilet I can see my poor husband pacing... the issue? He has to puke too. Note to self (6 years ago): don't buy a house with only one bathroom...
And yes I do in fact fart. Everyone does. A discovery that was made at work yesterday; yes I fart at work sometimes. Especially when Gigi walks up behind me and scares one out. Yes I will fart. And yes I will announce it to all who are listening while I laugh hysterically. Even to the men doing construction in our department. I'm not even embarassed.
I was gonna end there cause really, that shits funny and lets end on a high note. But I just wanted to say something serious. This past month I've had one of my best friends call off their wedding, another friend start divorce proceedings, and have heard nothing but couples fight. Early spring can be one of the hardest times for relationships... everyone is stir crazy from winter, could be suffering from seasonal depression, or have financial strains fromseasonal work. Starting a family (whether you decide to have kids or not) is not something to be entered into lightly. Nor is it something to dissolve when the going gets tough. I'm not a terribly religious woman, so this isn't about the sanctity of marriage. Its about creating a family. Of all kinds. Families can be shitty sometimes, but one should not just bail out! But I'm just an old married hag so what do I know? I've only been married for 7 plus years....
And no you still can't know what my patient ate...
As I sit here and try and think of the funny lil anictodes that I wanna share with you all, I'm not quite sure where to start. Apparently Chloe sees dead people, Alyssa has suddenly become this super awesome attitude child, Drew is so enormous he looks like he could eat his new baby cousin Johnny, Chris got a promotion at work (I'm so very proud of him) and I fart at work. Have I got your attention? No? Want to know the totally gross thing one of my patients "confessed" to eating? Well too bad on that last one...
Not quite sure what happened, but somewhere in the last 2 months Alyssa has become this really great kid. Well, she's always been great, but now shes being nice too. A little history: she has a congenital heart condition that makes her very tired in the evenings. Tired Lulu equals nasty Lulu. I think she finally comprehends that her nastiness makes us all testy at night. Either that or we are finally learning to deal better. But after 5 years, I'mgoing to go with her maturing just a bit and not wanting to always spread her mysery around. Do I sound like a hateful and uncaring parent? Well a child with a health issue is still a child in need of structure and love and discipline... I will provide all of the above.
On a lighter note our middle youngster told her daddy that she saw people in an empty graveyard. While they were driving by she says "Look daddy. People." He looks.No people. Just a graveyard. Nice. My response? Well at least we know our house isn't haunted....
Drews blurb really needs little explanation, but I have a brand spanking new nephew. And a teeny one at that. All of 6lbs, 3oz. Adorable. I just wanna hold him all day...
One bathroom and 2 people with the stomach flu is just no fun. As I'm holding Chloes' hair next to the toilet I can see my poor husband pacing... the issue? He has to puke too. Note to self (6 years ago): don't buy a house with only one bathroom...
And yes I do in fact fart. Everyone does. A discovery that was made at work yesterday; yes I fart at work sometimes. Especially when Gigi walks up behind me and scares one out. Yes I will fart. And yes I will announce it to all who are listening while I laugh hysterically. Even to the men doing construction in our department. I'm not even embarassed.
I was gonna end there cause really, that shits funny and lets end on a high note. But I just wanted to say something serious. This past month I've had one of my best friends call off their wedding, another friend start divorce proceedings, and have heard nothing but couples fight. Early spring can be one of the hardest times for relationships... everyone is stir crazy from winter, could be suffering from seasonal depression, or have financial strains fromseasonal work. Starting a family (whether you decide to have kids or not) is not something to be entered into lightly. Nor is it something to dissolve when the going gets tough. I'm not a terribly religious woman, so this isn't about the sanctity of marriage. Its about creating a family. Of all kinds. Families can be shitty sometimes, but one should not just bail out! But I'm just an old married hag so what do I know? I've only been married for 7 plus years....
And no you still can't know what my patient ate...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A day in the life of a lunatic
I hear people talk about how much they love the weekend. How they are so relaxing. Sleep gets caught up on, couples reconnect, cars get washed. Me? Oh I love my weekends home with my kids. But there are Sundays, Saturdays even, that I long for Monday morning. Today was one such Saturday...
Aparrently when the alarm went off at 4:15 for my husband to get up for work I simply rolled over, turned it off, and settled back into my sleeping pattern. Luckily, Chris was already awake so it was no harm, no foul. This may not seem strange to some of you, but for those of you who know me well, this says how exhuasted I was. As Chris loves to say, when I'm asleep I can hear a mouse sneeze. So when my kids finally crawl into bed with me at 6:30, it feels like I JUST went to sleep. A few minutes late Drew wakes up and it's time to start my day. Nothing too out of the ordinary, my house just has to look perfect by 1 pm for a showing. Oh yeah, forgot to mention I'm trying to sell my house...
So I do the morning usual family stuff and when it's time to change Chloe's diaper she tells me she wants to wear undies. I've been trying to potty train her for a while now so I jump all over this. On go the undies. 20 minutes and 1 attempt on the potty we need new undies. Yeah cause I have time for this today. But good parenting is hard so we keep trucking. About a half hour later I call up the stairs to her "Chloe do you need to sit on the potty?" The customary "No" gets set my way. Then like two seconds later shes trying to get down the stairs as fast as she can. 2 steps down she starts crying hysterically and I know. I just know shes peed on the stairs. What I don't anticipate is that my 87 years old home is sloping inward slightly. So the pee that has run down her pants onto my stairs is also running down the wall of said stairway. And not just a little bit. Like a full bladders worth. Needless to say, the small human wore a diaper for the remainder of the day.
After de-peeing (is that even a word?) the stairs and walls, cleaning the house, recleaning where the girls made a mess, we head out to the in laws to hang out during the showing. And everything goes down hill from there. Mostly due to children related meltdowns that I think you all would rather do without. But by about 3:30 this afternoon I was wishing so hard for Monday. Chris takes the girls outside to give me some peace and when I finally head out to join them, Alyssa wants to play t-ball, Chloe wants me to go down the slide (only one of my ass cheeks fit on it), Drew is asleep and I'm so happy to be home.
But this weekend will always be remembered as the one that Chloe made pee go down the wall. Makes me wonder what the children of the previous owners of this house did. If mine was not the first child to make the walls pee. The house is almost 90 years old. It is possible. But definitely too deep a thought for a Saturday night...
Aparrently when the alarm went off at 4:15 for my husband to get up for work I simply rolled over, turned it off, and settled back into my sleeping pattern. Luckily, Chris was already awake so it was no harm, no foul. This may not seem strange to some of you, but for those of you who know me well, this says how exhuasted I was. As Chris loves to say, when I'm asleep I can hear a mouse sneeze. So when my kids finally crawl into bed with me at 6:30, it feels like I JUST went to sleep. A few minutes late Drew wakes up and it's time to start my day. Nothing too out of the ordinary, my house just has to look perfect by 1 pm for a showing. Oh yeah, forgot to mention I'm trying to sell my house...
So I do the morning usual family stuff and when it's time to change Chloe's diaper she tells me she wants to wear undies. I've been trying to potty train her for a while now so I jump all over this. On go the undies. 20 minutes and 1 attempt on the potty we need new undies. Yeah cause I have time for this today. But good parenting is hard so we keep trucking. About a half hour later I call up the stairs to her "Chloe do you need to sit on the potty?" The customary "No" gets set my way. Then like two seconds later shes trying to get down the stairs as fast as she can. 2 steps down she starts crying hysterically and I know. I just know shes peed on the stairs. What I don't anticipate is that my 87 years old home is sloping inward slightly. So the pee that has run down her pants onto my stairs is also running down the wall of said stairway. And not just a little bit. Like a full bladders worth. Needless to say, the small human wore a diaper for the remainder of the day.
After de-peeing (is that even a word?) the stairs and walls, cleaning the house, recleaning where the girls made a mess, we head out to the in laws to hang out during the showing. And everything goes down hill from there. Mostly due to children related meltdowns that I think you all would rather do without. But by about 3:30 this afternoon I was wishing so hard for Monday. Chris takes the girls outside to give me some peace and when I finally head out to join them, Alyssa wants to play t-ball, Chloe wants me to go down the slide (only one of my ass cheeks fit on it), Drew is asleep and I'm so happy to be home.
But this weekend will always be remembered as the one that Chloe made pee go down the wall. Makes me wonder what the children of the previous owners of this house did. If mine was not the first child to make the walls pee. The house is almost 90 years old. It is possible. But definitely too deep a thought for a Saturday night...
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